How to win over your colleagues-a guide by Peter Hunter

Evening gents,

Last night got out of hand. Let's be honest here, I shouldn't have done it. Here's a simple guide on how to win over your female work colleagues...

It's Friday afternoon in the office on comic relief day. I work for an organisation that takes CSR to new limits. This year for comic relief, we have decided to do our very own version of "Britain's Got Talent". Having been told by out HR lady that I will be forming 1/2 of Geordie comedy duo "Ant and Dec" with Jaron (read about him here). Coming from the south of the country, and being notoriously terrible at accents, this present me with somewhat of a challenge. My solution-get someone else to drive me in in the morning and get steaming before hand. I took it upon myself to tell as many puns/shit jokes as I could, to really get them in the mood for comedy. "What doooo yooo call a chick'n in a shell suit?" I asked my compatriot. "I dooon't know" With a smile on my face, I turn to 140 of my work colleagues who don't get me at the best of times, and proudly exclaim: "an egg". One person laughed. A few smiled. Mainly as I am laughing so hard at my own joke, and how badly it's gone down, I forget to call on the next act and have to walk off stage nearly crying with laughter. Comic relief at its glorious best.

One of the girls in the office is heading out to the USA on secondment for 3 months, just like I did. (I bet I had more fun: read about my time here) So after the show we head back to her place.

It must be said, before I continue telling this story, that 6 weeks ago I herniated a disc whilst playing rugby and have had severe referred neuropathic pain. It feels like the kind of pain you get after your legs have gone to sleep when you lean on them with your elbows when you're taking a shit. But constant. I have been taking some serious pain killers and diazepam (vallium) to control the pain.

Lesson 1: Don't mix vallium with alcohol. Especially when girls from work are about.

Back at hers, it's 9pm and I've sunk a bottle of wine. I move onto Henry Weston's 8.2% proof cider. This is when the effects of the vallium start to hit me. All of a sudden I'm smashed. I feel a wave of drunkness come over me and develop a glaze in my eyes. At this point, the girls are getting ready so it's just Jaron and I in her living room.

Me: "Jaron mate, can you do me a favour?"
Jaron: "What?"
Me: "Can you keep a look out, let me know the second her door opens"
Jaron: "What the fuck are you about to do. I don't even want to know, it's going to be weird, just like normal"
Me: "Watch this..."

Lesson 2: Don't take your trousers off and rub your penis in everything you can find in your colleague's kitchen.

Everything. I even got the cheese grater. The delight I was getting was so overwhelming I almost didn't hear Jaron's cry of: "mate she's coming". I quickly pull my trousers half way up and dive onto the couch. All she sees is me lying there with my belt undone. This is weird at the best of times, but she doesn't bat an eyelid when she says "typical Peter". This is the reputation I have for myself at work. I'm the guy who goes to other people's houses, lies on their couches and undoes his trousers. It was a close call, but safe.

Taxi's are here. We jump in. The girl we are with is mixed race. She looks very white, but she definitely has a black side when she's out. She also has a massive arse, in a good way. We head to a club which would have been Jeff's dream. Hip hop and R&B all night. Being your everyday white guy, this means I'm not into it.

Lesson 3: don't tell your work colleagues how easy you find it to pull. 

My first move? Strut to the bar and order 3 shots of black sambuca. Emphasising the black when I place my order. I do it, turn around and wink and a girl from across the room who is shacking her bum. She beacons me over. Black girls are easy! I tap Jaron on the shoulder and get him to watch me in action. I want to show the guy how it's done. He gets all of my female colleagues to watch as I waltz over to her. I am the king of picking up girls. Yeah this will show my workmates what a good bloke I am. I suddenly panic. I am clearly going to say something inappropriate. "Show me how to dance like a black person" She doesn't like this and walks off. I turn around to see them all laughing at me. I strut back and tell everyone how we just weren't meant to be, and how I wasn't interested.

Lesson 4: 5s isn't fun with work colleagues

To liven the mood after my latest setback, I decide to introduce 5s to the group. I force everyone to play. The girls just don't get it! It ends up just being me and Jaron and the girls watching. We are playing to go over to the chinese girl in the corner and ask her how she feels being the only asian in the club. Jaron loses, sweet! Someone else can make a tit of themselves. He just doesn't do it, so in a display of manliness, and out of utter principal, I do it for him. I put my arm around her, and deliver the line. I think it comes across as racist to her, so when I tell her it's ok, as I am fluent in mandarin (incidently readers, I am) she thinks I'm joking and kicks up a storm. She starts yelling at me, calling me racist. Wow, girls in this place are feisty.

Lesson 5: Taking your top off is not ok with work colleagues

The club has performers, they are men dressed up as firemen. They come out, topless. My colleagues run over to them and want to get there photo taken with these chiselled stallions, and I don't blame them. These blokes are clearly going to get laid tonight and I want a piece of their action. I strut over and take my top off, asking if I can tag on behind. Girls are swanning over to me and want their photo taken with the ridiculously toned fireman, and his probably a little too chubby friend. It's a dream. I am loving it, girls are all over me! I look over and see my colleagues looking at me with their mouths open. Clearly drooling at me, and probably dripping wet. No. I'm on a works do and am topless with my arm around a semi naked fireman. I get spotted by a bouncer and begrudgingly put my top back on.

Lesson 6: Don't get your balls out in front of your colleagues.


Having thoroughly enjoyed the attention being topless provided me with, and am very angry the bouncer told me to put my clothes on, I decide to take it at step further. I climb onto the couch (coincidently next to my new asian friend) and drop my jeans. I rip my top off. Oh shit. I'm wearing old pants tonight, the type you wear as an indicator of when you need to do some washing. There are plenty of holes in them, and my balls are hanging out the bottom. To steal a phrase from Jack's blog, in for a penny, in for a pound. I whip my underwear down. I wish I'd trimmed. Only because having done this, I realise where I am. It's a well known fact that trimming gives you at least an extra inch, visually. I can't help but feel the population of black guys are laughing at me, with every fibre of their beings. 4 bouncers are running over to me. Jeans go up, shirt goes on, and I'm out of there! I text my apologies to the girls and jump in a taxi. I look at the time: 12:30. There I was thinking I'd be in bed before midnight.

I get home, and give the irish girl I'm seeing on Wednesdays and Sundays a ring, she obviously wants to hear from me. I wake her up and proceed to tell her I want to do every rude word to her in the English language. Classic flirting. I walk into the living room and find Paddy. When I say walk, I've actually fallen, hit the deck, and momentum has taken me most the way in. He laughs at me, and I take myself to bed. A solid nights work.


Happy hunting


Peter