Evening Gents.
It's been a while since I finished writing America Bosh, and a lot has happened in the intervening 6 months. Some personal highlights: a Mexican themed evening with Jack and Dave (a friend from school) involving shoe polish moustaches, a Brazilian girl, and a music student with wing tatoos; a university ski trip where the Dover police created a new law due to Kelly and my antics on the ferry over to France, a threesome with my Irish house mate Paddy, an awkward works do involving 3 different girls from work, Kelly stripping for a stripper in Birmingham, getting naked in front of 150 England fans watching the England France 6 nations game, Class A drugs and a herniated disc.
My decision to revisit the world of blog writing has been inspired by some classic blogging by my compatriot, Jack, of "High Level Review" fame.
I've been 'seeing someone'. This is that awkward phrase that 20 somethings use when you don't want a girlfriend at all, but like the regular sex and someone to go for drinks with. This particular girl is Irish, Sinead, and we have an agreement in which we see each other only on Sunday and Wednesday evenings. This works well for me as it means I get my Friday and Saturday evenings free for beer drinking, 5s and shagging anything I can find. This particular Friday, however, was a little bit different. The original plan was for Jack to come up and visit and we were to go out with Sinead and her friend. Unfortunately, Jack blew all this months wages on getting inked up, so had to cancel. This left me in the unfortunate position of having to see Sinead on a Friday night, something I am completely against. I get home from work, frustrated by the fact that this looked increasingly like the case.
Paddy walks in the door, gold. I didn't think he was around this weekend, and now I have someone to go out with. I sack off Sinead and we head to the shop to buy a couple bottles of wine and some condoms. Yes, I was backing myself. Game of 5s in the shop. I lost, and when buying the condoms, winked at the honey serving me and said: "that's right, I have sex" No giggling as I was expecting, and definitely no instant removal of the top and asking me to visit the store room. How has it not worked? I'm baffled.
Paddy and I get home, and play drinking darts as we normally do on a Friday night. A bottle and a half each later, we are ready to go out. We walk the 40 yards down the road to the bar we are starting off in. Walk in and head to the bar. 2 cougars standing there, one of which is pointing at me, and saying "this one?" I turn to her and ask her if she knows it's rude to point. She smiles and giggles at me. Can I be in this early doors? Her mate has taken a shine to Paddy. These two are just about 1s, are both 36, and both have a child. 1 drink down and things are going well. Very well. Paddy's is all over him and mine has just told me how much she wants to have 'no strings sex'. I am very good at no strings sex, so she has found the right man for the job.
Within 20 minutes of walking in the bar, Paddy and I are walking out, 2 cougars in tow. Upon our return to the house, they eagerly jump into bed with us. Paddy has been fucking his upstairs whilst I've been growling mine for 20 minutes. For the readers of America Bosh, you will know how much I love to growl. Cougar lady starts giving me head, which feels like my penis is being sucked off by a crocodile. It's terrible, so I make her stop and throw her onto my bed and take out a condom. I've taken it out its wrapper and all of a sudden she says: "stop, I'm engaged". No way. What? Hang on, you're engaged and yet you are lying naked in my bed within 45 minutes of meeting me? And now you morally have a problem? Sometimes women make no sense. I laugh and continue to put the condom on, telling her I can't see a ring, so she's lying. She insists and pushes me away. I now face a challenging decision. How far do I go to get the notch? Is she worth the 7 year prison sentence that is attached to rape? I am stronger than her so it's on the cards, and I do like simulated rape in porn. Could this be the same? It seems easy enough when they do it, and surely she'll get into after a couple thrusts? My heart sinks. I can't do it. If she had been the oldest couger I'd ever shagged, then maybe it would have been a little more acceptable, but I got a 42 year old on my last night in the states, so decide to back out given she has been saying no aggressively for a few minutes whilst I've contemplated the above.
"Ok that's fine. Get up, get dressed and get out". Harsh, but having just had your cock borderline bitten off and been denied sex in possibly the worst way, I feel I have a point. She does, and Paddy walks in. He's finished with his, and she is waiting behind him ready to go. We kick them out and wait 2 minutes for them to walk away before heading back out. After all it is only 23:30, and I'm very frustrated. We leave the house and walk up the road, back up to the bars. We see the two cougars standing on the corner waiting for their cab. I turn to Paddy, and say: "no matter what, pretend they don't exist". We walk by them and basically brush shoulders. They try to stop us and talk, but we stay strong and don't flinch. Looking back on it, it's not the nicest thing to have done in the world, blanking 2 girls you've just had naked, but it was fairly funny when they started screaming "you cunts" at us as we walked down the road.
We get into one bar where I tend to go on my dates now a days. I've taken Sinead there a few times, and have got to know the Russian barman fairly well. Snatch everywhere and I need it. I feel the desperation and the frustration come over me, I want to break someone's hip tonight. Stood at the bar getting free shots off my Russian friend for any girl that dares talk to me- a risk when they see the anger in my eyes. I meet a 29 year old teacher at the bar, and hand her free shots. I am in no mood to piss about trying to chat her up, so I try the direct approach. "Kate, are we going to go back to yours and fuck or what?" So yet again, 20 minutes after walking into a bar, I am walking back out again. Either I'm on dynamite form, or these girls are hideous, I'm pissed and they think I'm the best they'll ever get. Not being arrogant here, these girls could honestly be THAT ugly. We head back to hers and I finally take my frustrations out on her, unfortunately no broken bones.
Half way through, I take a phone call from Sinead. Probably not the wisest thing to do, but alas, I'm thinking about the possibility of growling 3 different clunges in one evening. Some sort of record? I'm telling Kate to be quiet so I can hear. She is already home, and I am no where near finished, so I sack her off and finish up and pass out.
Upon waking in the morning, she doesn't turn out to be that bad! Yes! My form might be that good! I've spent £30 in total-£15 a clunge. Not a bad return. I walk home (taking a huge detour) and arrive back 2 hours later to find Paddy has a ridiculously fit piece back and has done the double. My joy in my achievements has been sunk. Well played Paddy, and we are meeting up with her and her friends this coming Friday. Guaranteed nosh.
Am I proud of what I've done? Yes. After heading round to Sineads on Saturday afternoon, I have growled 3 birds in 14 hours.
Upcoming on my social agenda is a trip to Croatia with Jack, Danny and my friend from Manchester, Wayne. It's going to be insane, we all get needlessly excited, needless drunk, and needlessly reckless.
Till next time.
Happy hunting.
Peter
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