A lot can happen in 3 weeks. Part 1.

Evening gents.

It has been a long time since I have actually managed to sit down and write one of these out. Even the shorter ones take about an hour to write, so really I have been lazy and not done this as I have been dreading the amount of time it will take. But you need this information. Seriously, it's been a good 3 weeks.

Pick up the story from the Wednesday. I have 4 missed calls from a girl I met ages before-the tall blonde one. She wants me to meet them for drinks in town, so I head over. I didn't particularly want to go, but my air conditioning was broken when I got back from rugby. Its about 35 degrees in my flat, and air conditioned bars seemed logical. I knew what would happen. They'd quiz me about my antics with that girl from the Thursday before. I have prepared myself.

'So, Peter, what did you do with Beth? No one has heard from her for 5 days.'

Ok, I hadn't prepared myself. The way she says it really puts me as a prime suspect in her murder.

'Oh really? Well I chopped her up and put her in my freezer after I was through with her'

No real response, definitely not a laugh, and no more questions. Brendon is there and he's hammered as it's his sisters birthday. A skinny lesbian ex heroin addict, (who isn't that bad by the way) tells me she'd fuck me down a back alley, pretty much out of the blue. I tell her I will finish my drink and oblige. I chin it. Stand up and Brendon hands me a condom. She grabs my hand and leads me away. Is it really going to be this easy? I get her to the alley and she starts kissing my cheek. YES!!! Easy. I really have hit the (semi) jackpot. Dirty nosh with a very dirty girl. All of a sudden, she runs away. Literally leaves me high and dry. I think the years of heroin have made her crazy, and I rejoin the party with cheers of rapturous applause from Brendon, Jeff and Pat who have just arrived. Embarrassing, but I accept it, without telling them what actually happens. I chose, at this moment in time, to let people think I am a ledge, without really thinkoing of the consequences. The cheap ego boost, would be a great height to fall from when she returns 20 minutes later and tells them what had actually happened. Now I look like a cunt.

Jeff really likes one of the girls there. Brendon and I have both pulled her before, but we choose not to tell him. She's hammered. Had I known she wanted to fuck me, perhaps I would have behaved myself, but her chat was starting to grate on me. I actually find this about a lot of people here-their chat really gets dull after any more than half an hour. I normally end up trying to offer loads at the start to be friendly and polite, but I get so annoyed with them making the same jokes about tea, how they won the war for us, how we 'suck', trying to imitate my accent and failing miserably, and worst of all the arrogance and pride that beams from their faces when people laugh at these pathetic attempts at wit. In fact, I am fairly drunk, and she has just said another terrible joke. I peel off my flip flop and launch it at her face. It hits her, a great shot from the other side of the table. A great opportunity to use another Austin Powers line and ironically feed their egos. "Seriously, who throws a shoe?!" I crack up. No else really finds it that funny. But hey, as long as you're laughing, you're having a good time, and who really cares what other people think? I throw my other flip flop.

Anyway, I wish I hadn't done this as I lost the chance to have sex with her. Brendon jumps on it. He picks up her phone and reads the serious of text messages between her and her friend aloud to the group.

'Who should I go home with Brendon or Peter?'
'Well Peter is leaving in a month and a half so it wouldn't mean anything. But I've fucked Brendon and he was good'

Ahh the ultimate toss up between guaranteed good sex and venturing into the unknown. Seriously lucky she didn't pick this wild card. I have a tiny Penis. The next line really made me laugh, and meant Brendon came and patted me on the back.

'Well I guess that settles it, why did he throw his shoe?'

Jeff is understandably annoyed. I leave them to fight it out for a while as I have heard another British voice in the bar. Now is the point I eat my words. The guy is a dick. More obnoxious than any American I've met and thus am left believing I must be in a fowl mood. Brendon has vanished with this girl.

Who does that? Brendon and Jeff have been best mates for 15 years, oh well. Jeff bitches to me as he drives me home.

Thursday night comes around, and it's dollar 50 beers and free table football. Great deal. Come up with the great idea to suggest that for every goal the other team scores, you neck that many fingers. So 1st goal: 1 finger, 2nd goal: 2 all the way until 10 fingers go down as you lose the game. Turns out I'm shit at table football. I am wasted. It's so awkward between Brendon and Jeff that I start to feel bad about the jokes I've been making about the situation. Go to another bar, and convince 2 girls I'm from New Zealand. Trying to convince girls I am from ridiculous places has become my new favourite past time, and as you will see later, will become more and more ridiculous as the weeks go on. Not a lot going on in this bar so jump in the middle of a group of average looking girls. Chat to one, offer to buy her a drink. Take her to the bar and let her buy her own pineapple juice-her own fault for driving. Anyway a brief chat later and I pull her and get her number. I have no intention of seeing her again, so it's now or never.

'Fancy coming back to mine?'
'No'

Oh well. I get a lift home after chatting to a good looking girl in the street for a bit.

A friend of mine is coming out the next week. He is actually a director at my company but he is only 27 and is a good bloke, so am looking forward to it. But first I am heading up to Boston.

Leave after work on Friday and get there for 11. My friend is absolutely hammered and has no clue where she is. She eventually finds me and takes me to meet her work mates. Not bad, I get on the booze very quickly. I end up spending very little time with them as I have found a 21 year old at the bar to be my best mate. He is fucking funny, literally doing everything I say. Hitting on anything, even men. I try and get with his mates but no luck, was fun but can't remember details as it was too long ago. But I did get handsy in bed with my friend.

For those of you that haven't been to Boston, go. It is one of the nicest cities in the world, I swear. Good nightlife, friendly people, and some good nosh pie walking about. We go to the beach the next day and go out for a few drinks that night. I drive back on the Sunday feeling a little more cultured after going to the JFK museum in the morning. I'm not gay, so I hit the booze with my boss when I get back. Still no A/C so he is sweating his balls off. To my surprise my other boss (who I've been fucking) is there too. He takes us out for dinner, and she officially tells us she is handing in her resignation the next day. We have a few drinks. She's on the couch tonight, so I pay her a cheeky visit during the night.

Apart from a very boozy Thursday night which led led to me shouting at one the assistants at work that if she: "came into my house, she had to sit down, shut the fuck up and take her top off" as I was standing there in my pants in front of a great deal of colleagues. The week didn't amount to much. Maybe I am saying this so I can get straight to Friday night, which leads nicely in Saturday...

Friday night comes. My boss comes over for some growl. I am playing in a rugby 7s tournament the next day on the Jersey Shore and need somewhere to stay. My boss has a beach house she won't be using. To woo her into letting me use it, I buy her Chinese take away. By buy her, I mean split the bill.

'So what you doing this weekend?'
'Not much, you know just hanging out with my dad whilst my mum's away'
'Oh right, it's a shame you won't be at the shore as I'll be there playing rugby'
'Yeah I know'
'I wanted to go down one weekend to check it out, but I guess we won't be able to do that with you leaving'
'Shit no, and I really wanted you to see my beach house'
'Oh really? is it nice?'
'Really nice'
'Shit, that is a shame...'
'Tell you what, if you promise to keep it clean...

BOSH! Million dollar beach house scored for the weekend.

Saturday comes and I get in my car and pick up Brendon. We sit in traffic for 5 hours, and end up late to the rugby tournament. We lost our first game, so must win our second, in which we are losing by 30 at half time. I play 7 minutes of rugby and chip 3 teeth. What a shit start to my day. Brendon, Ryan and Kyle all come over to the beach house, which is even nicer than I imagined. 4 big rooms, 3 doors from a private beach, 5 plasma screens, hot tub on the roof with sea views.

We are so excited, we forget to eat dinner, which is fucking dangerous. We start with a Jaeger bomb. 3 hours solid boozing later, and we find a bar. Not exactly as chavvy as a scene from the Jersey Shore on MTV, but 'The Stich' like people are about. I am hammered, chatting to anything that moves. The next day Brendon was to tell me he saw me pull 7 girls, 5 of which were bigger than me, 1 ok, and 1 absolutely gorgeous. Kyle and I convince these two hot girls to come back with us. When we get back, I explain to them how I'm French and my German uncle is big in the US real estate market and has just bought this house for his family holidays. We take them to the hot tub. We get them in bra and underwear and we get into our boxers. I get in and take my boxers off. Get a weird look from each one of them, so I pull them up. We hear Brendon come back, female in tow. Straight upstairs. Brendon doesn't fuck about. Gets her naked and into the hot tub and is basically fucking her infront of everyone. She is rough. Our two girls get out, and head downstairs. I take the one I have been getting on with to my boss' couch and start getting with her. Kyle is with his in the kitchen. I lay on the coach. She gets on top....

I wake up 3 hours later fully clothed on the coach with sirens outside. I had passed out whilst a good looking girl was on top of me. This has led to her ordering a taxi for her and her friend, I really fucked kyle over there. But what is this siren? Brendon? No, he is downstairs still going at it with his girl. (I later find out he had bent her over me whilst I lay there passed out) Kyle? No, he's passed out. Ryan? Where the fuck had Ryan been? The police had found him. He was 13 miles away when they did, shoeless and shirtless. No one knows the answer to all the questions we have. But a great night. Brendon's big question to me the next day: every single girls saw you pull the ugliest girl in there. How did you get such a hot girl to come back with you? People were actually turning away in disgust of the hippo you were kissing. Full marks go to Peter Hunter.

The next week, we go out Thursday night for my boss' leaving do. A really nice Japanese restaurant. One of the senior managers is staying too, so I can't fuck my boss at home. We get drunk and she insists on the back alley. Fair enough. Get head and fuck her for a while before returning home to find him sitting there listening to piano recitals. Weird. Claire is staying too and she is passed out on my bed, I go and jump in bed with her. My boss joins. I fuck her right next to claire, and she doesn't even flinch.

The next day, I am driving up to lake Placid in upstate new york for the annual Canadian-American rugby tournament. This turns out to be the best weekend of my life, bar none. So good it deserves its own blog post. It had every element of a top weekend away: rugby, booze, bbqs, gambling, nudity, hot girls, fat girls, Turkish girls, dykes, fingering on the dance floor, anal sex, 3 somes, hot tubs and cross dressing.

I for one am going again next year. Wait for the next installment of America Bosh to see why you will be joining me.

Happy hunting
Peter.