All aboard!

Evening all.

I had originally planned to start this blog post off with an apology. After my rant at the end of my post about American intelligence, I had a heated email exchange with Robin and I feel he came out on top. American culture is after all unique, and there are some incredibly bright people who I work with. But that was originally, this is now. I've just got back from a pub quiz where 1 out of 7 teams knew the answer to the question: In what country are Melbourne and Darwin state capitals. Seriously.

Anyway, less of that and more of what we want: booze and growling birds out. Both of which I have been rather successful at this week. (I'm always good at boozing, but my growling is sometimes off). Haven't had an update for a week or so, so will start from a week ago.

Last Tuesday, work all day. Am firing a few emails back and forth with these two girls who planned to take me out on Thursday night. Nicely done, trying to get myself some guaranteed nosh in week one. Go to rugby practice on Tuesday night, the team is heading down to South Carolina for the National cup quarter final game. This turns out to be a fairly decent level. One of the guys knows a mate of mine from when I played (semi pro) rugby in Germany. They played together in the teams that lost to France and Fiji in the 2003 world cup. Not bad. Another guy, who looked like he slept in gyms turns to me and goes:

how old are you?
22
You like drinking?
Yes
Good.

He then turns away and walks off happy that I'm into the same things he is, I like this in a rugby club. A couple other guys are talking about how one of them had 2 girls naked in his hot tub and didn't convert. Without really thinking, I turn and say something along the lines of: no wonder with a face like that. An interesting decision on my part. Enjoyed it though. Do the fitness practice and play some touch, before setting off.

Wednesday was a bit more of the same. Email flirting intensified, didn't really get that much done and blamed 'jet lag'. Also one of the senior managers had a go at me for miss spelling the word otolaryngologist. I managed to convince her it was a British spelling. I love this country. People are so trusting, and if you can keep a straight face-something which all the years of lying to a certain someone, has led me to be vaguely good at, you can pretty much get away with anything. After work head over to Walmart to buy myself a mobile phone. Walmart's a funny place. I'm all up for equal opportunities employment, but when the retarded man can't tell you what kind of deal you're getting with a certain phone, and the guy in the wheelchair can't push the trolleys back in place, you wonder whether or not management should make them swap jobs.

People here are a lot more self confident in many regards. At home, you'd never in a million years get a woman ringing a radio station and saying how she was going to 'dump his ass cos he's a cheating son of a bitch, and that if she ever sees that bitch downtown, she knows I'll take her all the way to the cleaners baby. Fuck yeah!' Heard this and thought: you know what Pete, that's blog material.

Thursday comes, the day week one really kicked off for me. Get through the day safe in the knowledge that my welcome drinks were coming at happy hour between 5-7 and everyone from the office was heading down. The head of the office came down and told me she fully expects me to be hungover on the Friday, which was a great weight lifted off my shoulders. (Not really, but it was nice having her approval). It arrives. The 4 days of hard email flirting I'd put in have come down to this. 2 girls staying at my house and out for nothing but getting really pissed. I took a fairly long time to get ready-knowing full well that this will make me miss eating anything substantial. Get to the bar and get my first pint in. Tastes so good. Gradually one by one the managers leave and ends up just me and these two girls. I'm 5 pints and 3 shots deep and am really feeling the full force of not lining my stomach, brilliant, the exact effect I was going for. Move on to gin and tonics. The great thing about drinking here is that because people don't binge drink as often or as much, they put more spirit in glass and less mixer. It therefore tastes exactly how you'd make it if you were making it at home. Strong.

Casually slip into conversation how I was a semi pro rugby player. This goes down a storm, and I really big it up. The one girl with a boyfriend rings him up (as he played rugby at uni) and gets me to leave a message. I obviously shout down the phone how much better I am at him at rugby, and how much better a bloke I am. The one single girl there-Britany, is now fairly pissed. Chatting to her on the street, she tries to kiss me. Jackpot. Turn my head away and say:

sorry I don't really do kissing in public.
So you don't want to kiss me?

I have done this for 2 reasons: 1 I work with her so still want to be able to make the rational choice later on when I'm more drunk, and 2: there is greater chance I'd get to growl her out. Given reason 2 is a reason I did it, it made reason 1 very redundant.

Move on to the next bar and nail a few more gins and shots. Get refused alcohol for being too pissed. Go to the next bar, see they have karaoke. Sign myself up for 'ring of fire' by Jonny Cash. Whilst waiting for my name to be called, we are sitting at the bar having a drink. Look over and one of the girls, Mel, is swaying on her bar stool. Keep watching as think something funny is about to happen. She, still attached to the stool, topples over face first onto the floor. Amazing, really really strong drinking. I try to order her a drink to celebrate such an epic moment in her life, but get told that the bar is closing. I make the point that it's not as I am yet to sing, and question the barmaid on whether it's closing or if she just wants us out because we are causing a scene. She chose option 2. I like honesty.

Start walking home. Both girls are swaying, police walk over. I can't get arrested in my first week. Surely. They ask for our details. Brittany is so drunk she forgets her address. So I step in with the I'm new to the country card and we are on our way home. Takes 1 hour to walk the 10 minute journey back. Mel falls in a bush. I help her out, only to push her back in. Do this twice. She didn't learn. She runs off. Brittany comes over and I kiss her this time. She whispers in my ear: do you want to fuck me on the grass?

Obviously the answer's yes. But we had just been stopped by the police 200 metres up the road, so I say: how about I just fuck you in the house.

Find Mel who'd been hiding behind a car as she was angry about the bush thing. Get into the flat and proceed to have a pea fight with her. She passes out on the couch. Take this opportunity to get Brittany to bed. Growl her hardcore. A long time. I nearly passed out mid growl, but kept it going. I fuck her. Wake up in the morning, and she's very upset as she's never had a one night stand before. I convince her it wasn't as we work together so we have to see each other again. She's pretty hot so would do it again anyway. Mel leaves to go to work so we Brit and I shower together. Fantastic. Try a quick growl before work, but doesn't go down well (gag). Get to work, spend all day hungover. Have a welcome lunch organised which was amazing as it was in a fairly greasy restaurant.

In an interesting development, we have a meeting after lunch where Brittany is told that she will be the one reviewing me, in order to get her line management experience. Amazing, I send her so much chat about reviewing my performance. I've basically started a secret affair with my boss who is 2 promotions and 3 years my senior.

Get an email off her asking if I want to go up to New York on Friday to stay in her flat instead of Saturday. I agree, so travel up together, go out for dinner for sushi, and get some sleep (no growling) before the next days activities.

Wake up in her flat on Saturday morning. Meet all her flat mates, one of which is pretty fit. Head off out the flat and walk 40 blocks to my mate Jaron's. Go for a walk around central park and catch up a bit. Get a hot dog and a pretzel. Head for a bar in union square, but get caught up in some kind of street party, and hang around 'using my accent' to chat to girls. Incredible what being different (in a good way) can do. They just seem so interested. Head to a bar where it seems like they've employed all the out of work supermodels as barstaff. Watch the champions league final with $6 beers. Expensive, especially when you have to tip $1 a drink. Move onto next place where Jaron's mate joins us. Good lad, is in training for 2012 and will be rowing for the USA. He was the main man in the Varsity boat race a couple years ago. He informs us he's massively on it as he has just missed out on the men's 4s world cup squad, so has nothing to do but drink.

By 8 o'clock, I'm feeling it. Jaron has hit on the barman and offered him tickets to the daily show. Got his email address. A little odd, but we go with it. Also got some free pints in the deal, so aren't complaining. Head back to the girl's flat, and meet the rest of her friends-an average looking group of girls with 2 hot ones, and 1 stunner. Get stuck into conversation with the stunner, whilst I sink a bottle of red.

Head out to the boat party we had planned on going to at 10:30. I am so excited about this it's unbelievable. All you can drink, on a boat, sailing around New York. It did not disappoint. The evening was run by fairly pretentious people, but the key difference being, that at home, I wouldn't have a hope in hell with these girls, but here, one of the girls in the queue asked me if I wanted to fuck her on the boat. Yes, yes I did want to. Obviously didn't cos she was all chat. Got stuck in on the boat to a couple gins, and a jack daniels. The bastards only let you get two drinks at a time. All the guys on the boat were typically American Frat guys. One guy really fitted the bill. Started talking to him:

Hi mate, what's your name?

Dan, yours? You from England?

I'm Dan too. Yes I am. Are you a real life Frat guy? I wish I was a frat guy, you're all so bloody frat. FRAT DAN, YEAH BABY.

English Dan. YEAH BABY YEAH!!!

We screamed 'yeah baby' at each other a few more times before I got bored. He never once realised I was taking the piss. Chat to some birds downstairs and pretend to be American when one girl tells me to 'stop putting on that ridiculous accent'. I was so convincing. Back upstairs, see the statue of liberty go by, get so excited I pull my jeans down and get my party pants out. Americans love party pants it turns out. By this point I'm steaming, so pretend to be a pirate. Try to get more booze but get rejected. So try again. And again. Jaron is also having similar difficulties, they tell him that if he asks again, they will dock the boat and kick him off. I don't remember a lot from this point on. I danced, I took the piss, I chatted to some stunning women. Go home with Brit, and stay in the same bed as her for the 3rd night in row. Growl her out. I feel my evaluation will go well, but I'd prefer to nosh more than get a good review.

Wake up in the morning and go to all you can drink Champagne brunch. $12 dollars for the champagne and they litterally top you up after 2 sips. Must have finished off at least 2 bottles in the 3 hours we sat there for. Was hammered. Get another pint in at a bar, then go back to the flat for a nap and some nosh. Get the train back to Princeton and drive home.

Work was interesting today. Didn't do a lot. Got an email from Brittany telling me to check my phone. She had texted me some filth. Sent dirty messages back and forth for the afternoon, whilst doing the work she set me. Get informed by the PA the MD is going to be staying with me in my flat for the week. I'm happy about this because he is a hero. Let me tell you a story about him: Once he was out in Manchester chatting up a girl. She turns to him and says: do you really not know who I am? No, who are you? I'm your son Craig's primary school teacher. LAD.

He takes me out for dinner and a couple pints, chat about usual stuff you chat about with your boss, but he's still a good guy.

I'm off to New York on business tomorrow for the night, and working there all day Wednesday. Will be taking the client out tomorrow night, so I will see what mischief I can cause.

It's been a great week. But I'm only just starting. I am going out for a big night out with my new housemate on Thursday and then again with the rugby guys on Saturday.

My big thought for this week is this: I'm going to quit my job, move to London and run an all you can drink party boat, charging £50 a ticket. Brilliant.

Happy Hunting

Peter.